How am I feeling?

How am I feeling?

It has been a roller coaster of emotions for me these past three weeks in Mexico. I love being here. I love the weather. I really really love our group and the people at the school. I instantly felt very comfortable with my family and loved my house and where I lived and everything. And at the same time sometimes it feels like my life is falling apart here.

As I told you I switched families on Friday in order to be closer to everyone else. This has been a very bittersweet move. I love being closer to everyone else and it has made making plans way easier. However, saying goodbye to my other family was really hard (although they are still one of my Mexican families and we will definitely still see each other). It has also been very difficult to be back at the awkward I-don’t-know-you phase again with a new family. As of yesterday, I have now met my whole family (my mom, dad, two sisters, and one brother). The siblings are all in their twenties and it is definitely different than my eight-year-old sister I had at my other house (mi hermanita). I did just meet a bunch of my brother’s friends and I think that having siblings around my age will help us make new, Mexican friends. As I get more comfortable here I think this move will be a good thing. It has just been a really hard process of deciding to move, choosing a family (I visited three), deciding when to move, telling my old family, and actually moving and readjusting. I’m ready to just adjust here quickly and feel at home (although I do know that will take time).

It has also been a very emotionally crazy three weeks in general. As most of you know I’ve been obsessed with Spanish and Latin America every since I first went to Mexico before my freshman year of high school. However, that has recently been changing and I’m not really sure why. I came back to north park this year not really excited to speak Spanish nor go to Mexico and about a week before I left I freaked out and didn’t want to go to Mexico (and have to transition in, get to people, and leave—again!). So needless to say it has already been an experience that has brought some clarity and a lot of tears. I think that I’m realizing that I do love this culture and this language but not like I used to. I do want it to a part of my life, but not my whole life. I don’t really want to live in Latin America long-term anymore. Realizing this and seeing myself not passionate about things that meant so much to me is actually really hard. It has been a grieving process (of losing that passion) all semester and it has been huge here. I’ve already cried in class a few times (about this and moving)—which probably isn’t that surprising but it has been difficult.